my mind has been captivated lately with chapter four of jonah.  maybe because it is the part of the story we often don’t hear, or maybe because it just hits too close to home.

as i was rereading it the other day i was struck again how jonah would rather die than witness God’s compassion on the people or suffer uncomfortable circumstances.  i actually almost said out loud, “drama queen.”  but as i quickly turned to judge this man of God that prayed such a beautiful prayer of repentance in chapter two, the conviction turned on me.  i thought, how could one who knew the character of the God he served be so quick to anger or  throw in the towel? the Spirit whispered, “you know me, too.  why do you get so upset and choose to give up so easily?”  as my mind questioned jonah’s lack of compassion, my heart was searching for some shred of  the mercy and love my Heavenly Father has for me.

after quite an adventure, jonah agreed to be obedient to God’s call on his life, but he still had some growing to do.  jonah may have been a prophet, but he wasn’t God.  God took me on quite a journey to plant me in children’s ministry, untrained and fearful.  see, i, too know His character yet still question Him and often throw my hands in the air.  how much more effective and obedient in ministry would i be if i would drop the drama, quiet the questioning, ax the anger, silence the threats to quit, and simply serve the One that called me?  after all, He is God and i am not!

my favorite movie ever is “steel magnolias.” one of my favorite lines and also my senior quote was when shelby (julia roberts) says to her mother malin (sally field), “i would rather have thirty seconds of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.”
so after several days of movie line quoting and being awakened early with a  delightfully full heart, i began to ponder my list of  “rather haves.” have you ever thought about yours?  here is what i have so far:

i would rather…

• know people instead of places.
  
• savor transparent talks instead of worldly treasures.
  
• devote myself to a life of God- surprises instead of a comfortable routine.
• collect treasured relationships instead of trivial fame.
  
• seek to know a little about my big God instead of much about the trappings of this temporary home.
  
• wait on God’s greater yes instead of settle for my finite solutions.
  
• be Divinely corrected instead of self-righteously right.
  
• finish strong with a semblance of integrity instead of start passionately filled with pride.
  
• learn to listen more intently instead of hollowly ramble to fill the silence.
  
• err on giving away too much time instead of guarding it selfishly.
  
• see myself as my Savior sees me instead of how the enemy tries to define me.
  
• rarely laugh hard at something pure, instead of laugh often at cheap humor.
  
• dare outwardly trying instead of dying inwardly with regret.
  
• be content in being still instead of discouraged in an abundance of activity.
  
• focus more on inner beauty instead of outer appeal.
  
• constantly celebrate the little things instead of rarely enjoying the big ones.
  
• fill my mind with the Truth of scripture instead of my head with the empty promises of man.
  
• know few people’s hearts intimately instead of many people casually.
  
• be Sovereignly challenged instead of personally protected.
  
• fail in the hands of grace instead of succeed in the eyes of man.
  
• completely succeed in a couple of things on this list instead of barely scratching the surface on them all.

i had been told by several people that the more i run, the more  illustrations/lessons i would have to relate to my own spiritual walk.  well on our long run day of 8 miles i was hit square in the gut (literally) and right in my spiritual heart.

we were a little over 6 miles and we only had .10 of a mile before we were to turn around and head back to the start.  one-tenth of a mile and i was almost home free for the day.  that’s all, one-tenth, but that is where i hit a running brick wall.  i had done so good in my long runs up til then, but to cap this day off with a great run, i needed to get through .10 of a mile that seemed to have me beat.

usually a tenth of mile it seems like nothing, but on this long run day, it was everything.  i didn’t have it in me and as i began to give up my attitude got ugly.   i was mad and pleading with my coach to skip this tenth and just go ahead and turn around.  how could this tenth be so important that we had to run it completely?  my coach didn’t budge.  actually she told me if i focused more energy on running instead of whining, i could conquer this tenth.  i didn’t.  i choose to continue the onslaught of complaints and questions for what seemed like miles.  (i am still not convinced that my coach didn’t stretch out this tenth, just to teach me a lesson.)  i threatened to quit numerous times, and even tripped on a wooden bridge when i resorted to making childish faces at my coach.  mature right?  everything in me wanted to skip this last short distance and begin a new direction, but it wasn’t coming until i persevered to the end of this tenth.

then it happened.  after hours (i exaggerate… mere minutes) we were able to turn around and head home with one last mile to go.  my demeanor immediately changed.  i was downright pleasant, because i could see the light at the end of this long run tunnel.  i refused to congratulate myself, because quite honestly i had made a fool out of myself about very little that day.  as i meditated on these events the following week, God gently, yet clearly related it to my spiritual walk and ministry.

i am consistent in going just far enough for good while refusing to push through to the great He has for me.  it gets tough and i threaten to quit or  i beg to run in a new direction.  if i don’t get my way i pout, whine, and yes act quite childish.  my persistence grows frail and my passion proves weak.  time after time, i settle.  but, i serve a God who promises “exceedingly, abundantly more than i could hope for or imagine” and He longs for me to push through the pain, endure til the end, and seek Him as my prize.

so before i start running a new direction, i want to faithfully run out the last tenth He has for me in each personal and ministry path.  with His help i long to lay down my grumbling and complaining and just put one foot in front of the other.   He is worthy.  He is faithful.  He is the Great I AM to run after.

what about you?  do you ever struggle to finish strong, because of the last difficult bit of journey?  am i the only one that can throw a childish temper tantrum, because i rely too much on self to finish strong?  where has good won out to His great in your ministry or walk?

recently, i had the opportunity to get out of town and attend another church on a sunday morning.  i confess i was a bit excited.  just the thought of sitting in a service without worrying about things that could be happening in my kidmin hallway was blissful.  no one knew me, no one needed me, and i came into the sanctuary heavy laden and ready to meet with my God.  my faithful Father was right there to meet with me.

i didn’t expect God’s message and conviction to begin with the lines of the very first worship song we sang.  it was matt redman’s “heart of worship” and the line, “i’m sorry Lord for the thing i’ve made it,” hit me like a ton of bricks.  then they came, tears.  and after the tears came a time of worship, self-examination, confession, Bible study, and prayer that would hopefully renew and reshape my approach to children’s ministry from that point forward.

this last year in ministry has already been one of examination.  with all the new trends in kidmin, my head was left spinning and my heart aching for more of the ONE that mattered most – JESUS.  i spent the summer with an amazing team of volunteers combing over our children’s ministry and seeking the heart of God His direction in the coming year.  it was productive and we made some exciting, unique changes, but i still felt there was more to be done.  the second step (which probably should have been the first) was made clear to me this day as i sat–a stranger in this sanctuary, but as one known well by my Father.  He knows my heart better than anyone and He revealed to me that it was time for a check-up.

“i’m sorry Lord for the thing i’ve made it.”  these words kept coming back to me, over and over again.  what have i made of the children’s ministry that He has so graciously entrusted me to serve for well over a decade?  have i made it about creativity?  have i made it about fun and excitement?  have i made it about whatever was easiest?  have events been my focus?  have i just barely made it, hoping week-to-week to just get by?  and the hardest question to broach–just how much have i made it about me?  as He gently broke me and spoke to me in that service, i knew what had to happen next.

we had spent the summer looking at the ministry nuts and bolts, but now it was time for me to look at my heart and to encourage my kidmin team to do the same.  does my heart beat passionately for my Savior and is it my ultimate goal to make Him and His life-changing Word known to these children and families each week?  do i seek Him so devotedly that my words, actions, and attitude reflect the glory of the Lord?  do i honestly count it a privilege to serve each week, or do i complain more than i praise Him for the opportunity?  do my tweets, blog posts, facebook posts, etc., bring attention to me or to the One who is and is to come?  do i commit precious time in His Word so that i am filled to overflowing and have plenty to pour out on those that He puts in my path?  many questions, but let’s just say, if my answers to these questions made up a report card, my grades wouldn’t be so great.

i think it is just easier to get by, and all too often, that’s what i choose.  why do i settle for lazy mediocrity when i serve a God of abundance? i am tired of stepping timidly to avoid the disapproval of man, when God may be calling me to take bold, unpopular steps.  so what if the next steps are unconventional or more difficult?  isn’t He worth it?  i know in my head that He is, but only my obedience will prove whether or not i truly believe it in my heart.

even as i type this post, i realize i have already allowed hardness to creep into the spot He has gently softened.  so, in many ways, this post may be more for me than anyone else.  i need to be held accountable, because deep within my heart i long to be all that God intends for me to be.  i don’t want to waste another moment in the mediocrity.  so, to those i serve alongside, i confess that my heart needs a check-up and i covet your prayers.  to my faithful friends that surround me, i thank you for being the iron that He uses to sharpen me.  keep pushing me and asking me the hard questions!

bottom line – i don’t want to steal any glory from the One who deserves all the GLORY!  i will continue this heart check-up until the day He returns, in hopes of one day hearing, “well done good and faithful servant.”  it really is all about Jesus, and i am truly sorry for all the things i’ve made it.